2011 - put your ear up against it

Hi there -

Just a few words about 2011. I'm not one for new year's resolutions, mostly because I think all year should be a time for trying to change and improve oneself, not just a few hurried, transient "holiday months" over the bitter wintertime. I am not overly fond of the holidays, perhaps because I work in two industries (wine and hospitality) that almost require banter and forced enthusiam about Thanksgiving / Christmas / New Year's Eve.

So, I don't have any resolutions to sum up from last year. Upcoming events in 2011 include the following:

Black Belt Test in 54 days (Feb 26, 2011)
1 year anniversary of graduation from UVA (May 23, 2011)
J.'s wedding (May 31, 2010)
S.'s wedding (Oct 15, 2011)

The first event, which is definitely the most present on my mind these days, has culminated in the forcible creation of a six-days-a-week workout schedule (an hour of cardio and stretch in the morning, an hour of karate every day, included with 3-hour karate classes four times / week). Anyone following a schedule that death-inducing really, really, *really* needs some workout tunes.

I have eclectic and bouncy taste in music, often straying towards acoustic, ambient dreampop, girls with guitars genres. That does not make the best exercise music, unless you're doing yoga. I'm running. I'm kind of loving it.

I've been working on my mix all day, and here is the annotated final version:

1. Break Your Heart / Taio Cruz and Ludacris
A little bit of top-40 hip hop is an absolute necessity for a workout playlist. The beat mixes well with the synthesizer, and I have to start my workouts out with a strong push of energy, or else I'll wilt early. And come on, I can identify with the problematic badassery of being the heartbreaker. Nothing like a tiny bit of self-loathing to power your run.
2. Rebel Girl / Bikini Kill
A genre switch early in the workout to angry feminist alt rock helps my mind stay plugged in. It also makes me feel a little less like a patriarchy-enabling stereotype of a white girl, jogging on a treadmill in part so my body can conform to what society calls "attractive". Also taps into my queerfem identity, giving me food for thought and energy for running,
3. Ready For The Floor / Hot Chip
This song is a reward for getting into the swing of the workout -- I used to listen to this all the time in Lyon and it reminded me of home, of love, of affection and attention to detail and of sweet summertime passions. "I am ready, I am ready for a fall" takes on a new meaning inside of the dojo, while "we are ready, we are ready for the floor" remains personal. Or does it? Happiness.
4. Giving Up The Gun / Vampire Weekend
One of the songs on the playlist I hadn't heard before a friend recommended it to me. It's a faster-paced version of many VW songs, with a build to a good chorus that pulls me into going faster and faster to keep up. The little high notes make my hair stand on end. "my ears are blown to bits from all the rifle hits, but still I crave that sound." A metaphor for getting what you want most? Weaponry? I like it.
5. Teenage Dream / Katy Perry
I can't help my giggling, teenage-girl amusement with KP. I loved this song when I first heard it, and loved it double when I saw the Glee take on it (this is the original on my playlist, though). For me it channels and challenges exactly what the title says -- my brief, halcyon, distorted and disordered and scarringly perfect teenage experience. A lot of which had to do with running.
6. The Boxer / Carbon Leaf
"She is the boxer, she knows when and where to strike". Enough said. And I'll take any excuse to listen to Carbon Leaf, one of my favorite bands from the happiest days of early college.
7. Take Your Mama / Scissor Sisters
I heard a DJ say once that this was a great workout song, and since I happen to like Scissor Sisters, I thought why not? It's funny and lighter than most of the other songs on the mix. Kinda lends itself to an easy, loping pace. And who doesn't want to get jacked up on champagne?
8. Soul Meets Body / Death Cab for Cutie
This might not seem like an obvious choice for a workout mix, but I like the guitars and little bells. I have to return to my soft, indie rock sensibilities to keep from being overwhelmed with noise. And this song means so much to me. "I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes, and if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too." Turn it up!
9. We R Who We R / Ke$ha
A newer song also from the top-40 contingency; I like Kesha even more than KP. Because she's completely hilarious and a lot less serious. I like the strong synthesizer and the way the beat bottoms out during the chorus. "our bodies going numb, we'll be forever young, we are who we are." Simple, straightforward. Makes me think of Bot Sai Sho (a kata for black belt 1st degree), for some reason.
10. Temperature / Sean Paul
This one is actually in honor of Master Morton, instigator of the Workout Death Machine, as I'm calling this little adventure. I'll never forget the Sunday morning several years ago that he came in with his iPod and had the whole karate class doing a mai (movement) exercise to this song.
11.Kick Drum Heart / The Avett Brothers
Also a new song for me! I've known the Avett Brothers for other songs previously, but as soon as I watched the live video and saw the way the drummer was actually using the drum to imitate the heartbeat, I knew this was perfect. We have many discussions with Master Campbell about the importance of the heartbeat in karate timing.
12. Dejalo / Rilo Kiley
The exact translation of the title depends on context, but I got it roughly as "stop it, leave our thing" which I think is pretty interesting and also borderline applicable. Just one of my favorite songs. This is where the playlist inevitably slides into indie / cooldown mode.
13. I'm Always In Love / Wilco
"when I let go of your throat's sweet throttle, when I catch the moon like a bird in a cage" high strings, synthesizer, and some chanting in the background. Not much more to say about that one.
14. Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, and Wives / Voxtrot
A last hurrah for the feminist contingency of my playlist. A completely random song that was given to me on a mixtape last year, Voxtrot actually picks up the beat a little bit and lends a bit of energy to the tail end of the playlist (and these annotations). "the take and the giving leaves no room for the living, death in one corner leaves a space in the other you know."
15. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight / The Postal Service
This band and often this song are often selected to end playlists, to bring them down on a soft and thrilling and gorgeous low that never fails to creep inside of me. This song is about creeping cold and despair, attention to detail and a sudden, sweeping realization of the big picture. About unforseen loss.
16. Crossfire / Brandon Flowers
I absolutely can't end a black belt training playlist on a low note, so at the very bottom of the heap I pull out the ace: Crossfire. I first heard this song, which is the theme for a trailer to the movie of the same name. Katanas are involved. Everything, everything, everything about this song fills me with hope, from the opening piano notes to Brandon Flowers' clear vocals to the crashing rise of instrumentalism in the chorus. "And we're caught in the crossfire of heaven and hell, and we're searching for shelter. Tell the devil that he can go back from where he came, his fiery arrows drew their bead in vain. And when the hardest part is over we'll be here, and our dreams will break the boundaries of our fears."

It really does mean that much to me.

So there you have it! 16 songs, 59.8 minutes. Perfect.

our dreams will break the boundries of our fear

and we're caught in the crossfire of heaven and hell
and we're searching for shelter
[lay your body down]

this song is a dead ringer for black belt training. I have never been so soundly beaten. I have never been so alive. the other day, C. floated through the air an extra four inches to collide solidly on a double-jumping kick. I had no doubt that would happen. I have taken to leaping into the falls, to twisting in flight, to landing with a crash that rings through the spaces in me.

I have taken to believing in chi because I think it helps me. There is a hundred-yard stare, a moment of focus, a deep breath. And then there is pure and fluid action, no contemplation, no abstractions, just movement. There is great comfort in doing one thing and one thing only. And I rely on lots of things when I am constantly told to be more intense, to be faster, to be more.

I reflect on riding, on the electricity surging through my horse as we approach a challenging jump, at the way his nostrils flare huge when the adrenaline hits him, at the moment when I give him his head and the energy roars through him, freeing us from the ground in a single unbroken motion. With him it is never pushing or rushing, it is letting flow what has been held back. His unflagging enthusiasm inspires me every day.

The rest of my life is fairly ordinary, but these two things that I do are the things that define me, the enduring and important ways for me to brush the extraordinary. And then we land, coming off the oxer, coming out of the kick or the throw, just hoping it was enough.

music of the current moment:
Brandon Flowers / Caught in the Crossfire
Pink / Raise Your Glass
Glee cover / Teenage Dream
Carbon Leaf / Learn to Fly

après moi vient le sang

Well hello, January. What a winter of cold and snow and reflective sunshine.

As you probably don't remember, I spent a lot of high school in a philadelphia (the state of mind, not the state, unfortunately). I am recalling now some very good advice I was given, though I didn't want to hear it at the time. It went thusly: that you can never be friends with your former lovers until you don't want to be friends anymore. I always figured that at that point, the question had quite solved itself.

But being the late-evening internet wanderer that I am, I go meandering altogether too freely through old communications, emails and transcripts of conversations (shouldn't the universe conspire to delete those for me?) altogether too often.

And being my particularly astute self, I managed to dig up the only line that could make me think that oh yes of course if I broke this rule just once it would be fine. Because ruining my past relationships has not satisfied me, and I have to wander into a dubious space with my current one.

I detest uncertainty.

i get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs.

First and foremost, I am always tired.

Second, this is what I'm thinking about:
sets of three
partner exercises
footwork, footwork
breathe!
sword takeaways
free fightings + one steps

Also, I am doing so much less for my thesis than I should be, but I still seem to be on top of my other work. I'm not sure what that means.

Ah, sickdays -- like some sort of vacation from hell, trapped in my parents' house with a deep chest cough and no medication but some sort of infrequent-use inhaler that, while it allows me to take a deep breath, is not curing my bronchitis.

This is apparently because I am idiotic and can't even manage to set up a doctor's appointment correctly.

This does not bode well for escaping from this place anytime soon.

I suppose while I am lying here, wishing I could taste the lentil soup I've been eating and also wishing that I could remember tae ryun four, I should get some things done, such as:
-finding a thesis adviser
-finding a thesis source base
-finding nommy recipes for vegetarian food

I also might explore the mysterious world of Hulu, the online television player. Other than that I have two books which I'm alternating between (Julie and Julia, by Julie Powell, and Skeletons at the Feast, by Chris Bohjalian), and after that I'm out.

More updates later, I suppose.

home front update

I've been home four days, and so far I have hair cropped short enough to frame my face, an ankle brace with reinforced stays that actually supports me, a very filthy pair of riding jeans, pain from kendo in my neck/shoulder that will not go away, and a lingering numbness from my right elbow down to my hand.

I'm still tired, only vaguely sleeping at appropriate times, but pleased enough to be back and able to do at least some things right away. Work starts on Monday.

cold turns your breath into clouds

It is anything but cold here, right now, in the gasping, record-breaking Lyonnais heat. I lay in the coolest room in the apartment with all the windows open, and dream while I am supposed to be studying.

I've been listening to this song a lot, possibly because the video is too cute for words. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4sa2HoXpsE&feature=PlayList&p=3C7EDDA78EE64DDD&index=1).

I am realizing that some combination of being physically inactive and living in the Land of Pastries has done some pretty serious damage to me. I'm not looking forward to having to buy new clothes for riding and for work when I get home -- hopefully something a summer at the barn and in the dojo can help me fix.

By the way, two songs that are really good to jump around in your underwear to are:
American Hi-Fi, "Flavor of the Week"
The All-American Rejects, "Give You Hell"
My weakness for bad pop-rock will probably never die.

I'll be home in nine days!