you'd better start wishing

I desperately need to connect with someone on an emotional level right now.

Where are those people I can look to for that? Busy, away, sleeping, missing in action. The downside to my evening caffeine kick that makes it possible for me to get work done is that I can't sleep afterwards.

Yesterday I had trouble focusing as I made phone calls and daydreamed about the electric shock of divulging secrets. I don't have many to speak of these days -- does openness speak for itself? It seems as though when things are in the past, it's not necessary to ever think about them again. The way I miss you shot down my spine again when I told Lauren how oddly she reminded me of you. I am so terribly wanting, wishing myself back into the past, but apathetic about the actuality that we're all moving into. Perhaps it's natural to always be a little in love with the first person who taught you about being a romantic partner, or perhaps I live in my memories too much, preserving the you that has faded on.

I need to get my head out of the past and start finding refuge in the present again. Things are too overwhelming for me and I close my eyes, pretend I'm fifteen and not eating again, pretend I'm seventeen and angry about it, pretend I'm eighteen and drinking myself awake. I open my eyes and realize I am nothing but the culmination of all these moments.

qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?

If I really want, I can go to Lyon.

If I apply in the next week, I can spend my whole third year there.

New decision: AFTER studying abroad, I want to do a J-term (in Ireland, Greece, or Italy -- the three places my family is from) my fourth year. To celebrate the almost-end of undergrad.

Love love love.

shy that way

i am smelly.

tristan prettyman keeps smooshing my head with her lyrics. especially the one about the story (you'll write the title and i'll write the chapters, you'll tell me what comes after). each song is haunting but in its own special way.

anyway, the point is i can't stop listening. (the memories come flooding back in a field of butterflies)

people are going somewhere. all of these girls that i used to know, intimately or just casually, are moving through and past the world and building their lives (the seasons changing in your heart).

i'm not sure i want to go to france anymore. the deadlines for a full academic year (08 09) are in less than two weeks and i am not ready to go anywhere. i need people to stop pushing me to leave.

what's the point
if i can't even dream up a dream
that's not worth the keep
what's the point in going
if i'm better off not knowing?