you'd better start wishing

I desperately need to connect with someone on an emotional level right now.

Where are those people I can look to for that? Busy, away, sleeping, missing in action. The downside to my evening caffeine kick that makes it possible for me to get work done is that I can't sleep afterwards.

Yesterday I had trouble focusing as I made phone calls and daydreamed about the electric shock of divulging secrets. I don't have many to speak of these days -- does openness speak for itself? It seems as though when things are in the past, it's not necessary to ever think about them again. The way I miss you shot down my spine again when I told Lauren how oddly she reminded me of you. I am so terribly wanting, wishing myself back into the past, but apathetic about the actuality that we're all moving into. Perhaps it's natural to always be a little in love with the first person who taught you about being a romantic partner, or perhaps I live in my memories too much, preserving the you that has faded on.

I need to get my head out of the past and start finding refuge in the present again. Things are too overwhelming for me and I close my eyes, pretend I'm fifteen and not eating again, pretend I'm seventeen and angry about it, pretend I'm eighteen and drinking myself awake. I open my eyes and realize I am nothing but the culmination of all these moments.